My Sanctuary

life hasn't been great today. was feeling down since morning.. tried to sleep it off but couldn't. turned on the tv earlier at 4 in the morning & caught a christmas animation / musical (there were alot of singing). the movie is called "Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights" it certainly touched my heart & cheered me up.

Sypnosis

When extremely disgruntled small-town guy Davey Stone (voiced by Sandler) faces another holiday season in his New England hometown, he does what he always has - he screws up big and lands in jail. Davey's old basketball referee, Whitey, bails him out with the bright idea of putting Davey to work doing community service. But Davey turns his sentence into a daily disaster for Whitey and the whole town! After a few surprises - including the mysterious reason for Davey's bad attitude and the reappearance of a childhood sweetheart - Davey might find a reason or two to change his ways.

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had been coughing so much that my lungs hurts whenever i cough. my throat so sore & the damn itch on my back is becoming very unbearable. argh.. & it seems that my sick body is rejecting nicotine intake cos whenever i tried to smoke, i'll feel like puking. however though, the addiction is still there, the urge to smoke.. & puking on the 3rd puff. no good.. no good.

hmm.. my sanctuary.. well i just wanna find a sanctuary from problems & troubles in my life. downright impossible but i can hope can't i?

the end.. good night. oops.. i mean morning! bleahz..

had been coughing blood for 3 days now. the cough is so loud that it could be heard at every corner of the house. my mum was fast to associate it with smoking. oh man.. she had been nagging & nagging.. she was nagging when she left the house for work in the morning & the first thing she does when she got back from work was to nag some more.. bleahz..

nothing much happen to me. was at home whole day slacking & chatting, smoking & drinking. mundane lifestyle i'm leading right now. hmmm.. oh well.. nothing much to blog so arrivederci guys.

my mum held an open-house especially for her friends who had been bugging her. i was helping her out with some of the cooking & most of the cleaning up after all the guest had gone home. i really hate these sort of events.. i stayed in my room to avoid talking with them. cos they really ask alot of questions.. bleahz.. haha..

my back is starting to itch alot.. argh.. & i'm not allowed to scratch it.. i'm bearing it everyday.. it does look a bit dry.. probably cos the skin is healing up.. i've just applied some moisturizer. picked up the tip from some website. i really can't wait to get it done!! thinking back.. the process actually hurts but i manage to distract my mind.. oh well.. since i've already started.. might as well finish it.

aloha people..

My wish (partially done)

hadn't had a decent sleep due to the discomfort situated on my back. had to sleep on my side, although its how i usually sleep but its still wasn't comfy. i guess "no pain no gain". it wasn't really as painful as i thought it would be but it is very boring & very uncomfortable. sat at the chair for 3 whole hours with a few minutes of break every now & then. the guys there are cool. very brotherly. haha.. the older dude said "welcome to the club" which i think is true, cos i might be there again adding something else in the future. well, who knows really.

monday was only the first session, only did the outlining cos to complete the whole design would take a very long time as it is really big. on the 16th i'll be doing the shading for the tail & other appoinments for the rest of the shading. probably another 2-3 more sessions.

initially i thought of having a potrait of a person. i even brought along a photo. however the artist, being experieced & all, advised me not to as it is "foolish" (by his words). & so i decided to stick with the original design, what a damper. bleah..

woke up with aches & feeling sore all over my upper body. applying the "salvon cream" (antiseptic cream) on my upper back was rather difficult & tedious cos i can't really reach that part of the area. & i don't really have anyone (who knows about it) to apply it for me. so the stretching exercise during my primary school days really help alot. it was certainly but unexpectedly helpful. hahaha..

i'll be putting up the on display only when it is finished. oh yah.. the deisgn cost 700 bucks!! what the hell was i thinking??!! lolz.. hmmm.. anyway.. ciao.

man it had been tiring these few days.

i'd my new wardrobe installed on friday. very cool, very nice.. i like it! later that evening, on the same day i went out with my friends for some shopping. might as well cos i hadn't been buying any clothes lately. ended up with 4 new shirts & spent the rest of the night survey tattoo parlour.

on saturday, i cleaned my room again for the 2nd time in less than a month! whoa.. the world is gonna end!! lolz.. very very tiring.. stoped halfway thru as my back gave way again.. sigh.. very painful.. at the end of the day everything seems to be in place.. well.. more or less.

today i actually done it! oh god oh god.. what am i doing??!! bleahz.. who cares.. watched a soccer match that my friend was involved in at an isolated field. nearby the british council.. kinda creepy looking with all the empty, dirty looking houses. later in the day, we chill out at the a fast food outlet, smoking till we drop & chatting about dumb stuffs. hahaha.. very very tired right now. ouch.. my back..

all i can say is that tmr is a very very big day for me. once done, there is no turning back. well.. there is but its gonna cost alot of $$$. feeling very nervous & scared but excited & thrilled at the same time.

ciao..

there is just no end to it.

new year's coming. i'm hoping to transformed myself into another person (for the better or worse )by the start of the new year at least. well.. i'll try.

nowadays i'm slow at catching things. so if anyone wants to let me know something, let it be direct & straight-forward. otherwise i'll probably fail to get it, or my mind will be filled up with questions & more questions.

i'll be expecting a make-over of my room early next month. so excited about it. heard that the outcome is rather nice, of course, since i designed it myself. bleah.. alot of stuffs are gonna be thrown out cos there's alot of junk in my room right now. hahaha.. papers upon papers upon papers.. some i don't even know where it came from. haha..

sorry guys for not coming for the outing on sunday. i reached home around 8 in the morning. can't remember much as i was kinda drunk & extremely tired. sleep for more than 12 hours after that. haha.. i woke up, walked to the kitchen window feeling dazed & went straight back to my bed & continued sleeping. like a walking zombie. haha..

1st festive outing

just reached home from a hari raya outing with my secondary school buddies. damn i'm so tired & very very full now. visited 12 houses in total & had in meal in almost each houses. my poor tummy.. however the mood was great! however most of us were too tired by the time we reached the last house. some of us took a nap there.. including me! haha.. who wouldn't be tired when we have been house visiting for more than 12 hours?

i think there's a problem with kids seeing botak guys. what's so interesting? there was that time when i was botak & i was eating ice-cream, a kid saw me & shouted out.. "botak eating ice-cream!".. duh! then earlier in the day as we were making a move from the first house, a kid standing at the window along the corridor saw me & shouted.. "eh! botak!" duh!! it was even louder then the first one. sheesh.. do i look funny when i'm botak? hahaha.. well, at least the guys thought so. had a good laugh out of it. haha..

anyway i'm supposed to go out again tmr for another outing with another group. hmmm.. not sure if i'm able to wake up in time. hehe.. just had extreme dose of coffee to keep me awake. hopefully it will last me till tmr!

anyway i'm going out again, a friend asked me out to hang out at some coffeeshop or somewhere decent to chill. haha.. alright then i'm signing off now. take care people!

Lonely night

the night is so quiet.. a surrealistic environment when i opened the windows.. rain oh rain.. where are you??

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Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams
click here to listen to the whole album >> American Idiot

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk a..

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm walking down the line

That divides me somewhere in my mind

On the borderline of the edge

And where I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's

Fucked up and everything's alright

Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive

And I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk a..

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

i walk alone

i walk a..

I walk this empty street

On the Blvd. of broken dreams

Were the city sleeps

And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me

My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find

Till then I'll walk alone..

Only One

Yellowcard - Only One

click to listen >> Only One

Broken this fragile thing now

And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces

And I've thrown my words all around

But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)

And I give up (I give up)

I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down

And I can't, I can't hold on for too long

Ran my whole life in the ground

And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)

I feel like giving up (like giving up)

I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly

Leave a note for you my only one

And I know you can see right through me

So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you

You are my only, my only one

My only one

My only one

My only one

You are my only, my only one

Falling

nothing much to update on. festive season isn't what it use to be anymore. doesn't seem to give me much joy anymore.

i'm fighting the dark shadow in me. i think i'm losing the battle. maybe i'll find an opening, maybe i won't. just let it go.

well now.. i haven't been so active in my blogging. feeling lethargic everyday. that's why. don't know what i've been doing. everyday seems like another day to be wasted. what day is it today?? hmmmm...

anyway i shall be taking a long long break from my current break. so full of thoughts & problems circulating in my mind. what to do? what is right? what is wrong? i don't seem to be able to think clearly, to be myself. becoming a person who fear so much of every consequence intead of enjoying the present moment.

getting a tattoo before the end of this year.

well.. nothing much to say no more. good NIGHT.

nothing much happen today. had cable installed in my room & helped out my mum bake 2 type of cookies.

had been toying about the idea of having a tattoo covering my entire upper back since my secondary school days. hmmm... i'm really excited about it. hahaha.. probably soon then!

good night & happy holidays.

Chinese Zodiac

argh.. my sore back has returned to haunt me!! goodness it hurts more than ever.. probably cos i've been sitting infront of my desktop for more than 12 hrs.

i was surfing the web & i found an interesting "fact" about this chinese astrology thingy:

The most compatible match for a MONKEY is a RAT or a DRAGON.

for your information, i'm a born in the year of the rat, my mum is born in the year of the dragon. however i'm not a superstitious dude. hahaha.. why i found this to be interesting? the answer lies with the monkey!

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the RAT and the MONKEY make a fantastic pair! both fun, energetic signs that thrive on parties and other social gatherings, the two simply have a great time together. each of these signs has a bit of an ego, which isn't a bad thing; it may lead to occasional arguments or competitive spirits, but the Rat, for one, enjoys arguing, debates and challenges of all kinds, and the Monkey is a born performer! these two find their clashes almost as fun as their most compatible points.

as lovers these two share a hot connection; they feed and play off one another's energies and are likely to be a "favorite couple" among their friends, who are many. the Rat had best quell any possessive or jealous tendencies, however, as the Monkey has the potential to stray romantically. the Rat, who often seems to be promoting its own agenda, is more likely than many other signs to understand the Monkey's pursuit of its own happiness, so the Monkey's free-spiritedness may not be much of a problem.

as business partners, these two are dynamite. they share a love of power and the Rat's shrewd head for business and money-making are great gifts to the team. the Monkey likes to be in control of things, but the Rat is smart enough to know how to let the Monkey feel like the one in power while the Rat stays busy, working hard toward its own goals on the sly! mostly, though, these two signs' goals are one and the same, so they will find it easy to work together as a team.

The Rat and the Monkey share a compatibility of ten, on a scale of one to ten! wooo hoooo!!!

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hahaha.. should i believe all this hocus-pocus?? the part about me, the Rat, seems quite accurate. not certain about her, the Monkey, though cos i've not had a chance to fully grasp her spirit yet. whatever the case may be i'm still not sure if i should trust the "prediction", but i do believe in making things happen by my own determination & will power.

haha.. take care people, gonna lie down now to rest my aching back.

Linkin Park / Jay-Z - Numb / Encore

Linkin Park / Jay-Z - Numb / Encore
click to listen >> numb / encore track

click to view >> music video

Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're far too kind

Now can I get an encore, do you want more

Cookin raw with the Brooklyn boy

So for one last time I need y'all to roar

Now what the hell are you waitin for

After me, there shall be no more

So for one last time, nigga make some noise

Who you know fresher than Hov'? Riddle me that

The rest of y'all know where I'm lyrically at

Can't none of y'all mirror me back

Yeah hearin me rap is like hearin G. Rap in his prime

I'm, young H.O., rap's Grateful Dead

Back to take over the globe, now break bread

I'm in, Boeing jets, Global Express

Out the country but the blueberry still connect

On the low but the yacht got a triple deck

But when you Young, what the fuck you expect? Yep, yep

Grand openin, grand closin

God your man Hov' cracked the can open again

Who you gon' find doper than him with no penjust draw off inspiration

Soon you gon' see you can't replace him

with cheap imitations for DESE GENERATIONS

Now can I get an encore, do you want more

Cookin raw with the Brooklyn boy

So for one last time I need y'all to roar

Now what the hell are you waitin for

After me, there shall be no more

So for one last time, nigga make some noise

(What the hell are you waiting forrrr?)

(sighs) Look what you made me do, look what I made for you

Knew if I paid my dues, how will they pay you

When you first come in the game, they try to play you

Then you drop a couple of hits, look how they wave to you

From Marcy to Madison Square

To the only thing that matters in just a matter of years (yea)

As fate would have it, Jay's status appears

to be at an all-time high, perfect time to say goodbye

When I come back like Jordan, wearin the 4-5

It ain't to play games witchu

It's to aim at you, probably maim you

If I owe you I'm blowin you to smithereeens

Cocksucker take one for your team

And I need you to remember one thing (one thing)

I came, I saw, I conquered

From record sales, to sold out concerts

So muh'fucker if you want this encore

I need you to scream, 'til your lungs get sore

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I've become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb...

Now can I get an encore, do you want more

I've become so numb...

So for one last time I need y'all to roar

So for one last time I need y'all to roar

DEATH

Death is a perfect insult

many people try to be numb to this suffering. In the rush of detail that fills our life, we may find temporary distraction. In the beliefs we hold, we look for consolation. but turning from the reality of love itself, even through distraction or belief, is turning from the only possibility of going beyond our mortal predicament.

somehow, we must receive the "insult" and still grow in love.

there are times when the loss of a loved one brings us face to face with this starkness. then our strategies of distraction & consolation no longer work. we feel again the raw fact that has always been our situation. even the many small endings in our life (& the beginnings as well) remind us that no thing and no one will last, no matter how much we love them.

whatever we believe about death (& what happens after death), its inescapable nature is not in debate. but knowing that death is a universal requirement does not end our predicament - it only pushes our need to understand what life is all about, what its purpose is, to the fore.

Wisdom About Death

the mystery of what it is to be "dead", what part of us (if any) survives, whether reincarnation is true & how it works - these are universal human concerns. such questions contain the seed of wisdom about human nature, our meaning & our purpose.

these questions can move us toward a critically important understanding, one that can & should be the foundation of our lives.

"love is a great knowledge in human intimacies, but it is a terrible knowledge, simultaneously. love moves you beyond the usual insult of mortality, but it takes place in the context of mortality. at the same time that love relieves you, in some respects, of the insult of mortality, it also makes the suffering of mortality more profound."

"so, to love any one is a terrible "problem" - friend, intimate, child, mother, father. to love at all is to be confronted with the terrible nature of mortality."

"the knowledge of death, however it may come to you through life's experience, should become the wisdom of ego-transcending practice - because you understand that death is not any different from all the other limited conditions of existence."

The Heart of Understanding

death is utterly acceptable to consciousness & life. there has been endless time of numberless deaths, but neither consciousness nor life has ceased to arise. the felt quality & cycle to death has not modified the fragility of flowers, even the flowers within the human body.

one must cease to live in a superficial and divided way, seeking & demanding consciousness & life in the present apparent form, avoiding & resisting what appears to be the end of consciousness & life in death.

there is only the constant knowledge & enjoyment of the heart, moment to moment, through the instant of all conditions of appearance and disappearance. of this i am perfectly certain. i am that.

"life is terrible. therefore, people allow themselves to be deluded by the immediate pleasures they receive. they indulge in such delusion as a means of ignoring reality - and they must not do that. the way of real liberation must be fully communicated and fully developed. It is a divine spiritual way. It requires deep breath, and you stay alive only to the point that staying alive is appropriate."

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just felt like typing this out, got some help from a website & i think i talked too much. hahaha.. shall stop now.

Spring Cleaning.

last night i tried shaving my hair using the new shaver i bought. well.. hahaha.. first time shaving my own hair myself & i accidentally shaved it too short. came quite close to complete baldness! man i look dorky right now. haha.. hopefully it will grow back in time by next week!

didn't know what came over me earlier. i cleaned the whole house without having my mum nagging me to do so! swept the floors, wipe the mirrors, desks, tables, practically everything while my mum was at work. hahaha.. however i didn't mop the floors cos i don't really know how to. =P started in the morning, ended in the late afternoon. was so tired by then.

hmm.. can't find a motivation to write. am not feeling well since yesterday. slight fever. so i'm ending now. blog another day then. take care!

Recovering

today i had my stitches removed!! i'm able to walk again!! haha.. my right ankle is still feeling numb & sore though. it isn't surprising since i haven't been stepping on that leg for a week now. best of all is that there isn't any infection this time. great! being able to walk again & the first thing i did was.. spring cleaning! duh! cleaned all the windows of my house before i slump to my bed for a nap. very sleepy. i guess tmr i'll be resuming with my fasting. YAY! -_-" bleah.. hahaha..

earlier today i went to Jurong Point with my mum to shop around. hmm.. felt kinda weird cos its been a couple of years since i last went out with my mum for shopping. haha.. bought a shaver. to maintain the botak hair of mine. i guess i'm gonna be botak for a couple of years now. got a mail from the postman today. since i'm coming of age in adulthood. i'm considered eligible to the Human Organ Transplant Act (HOTA). meaning i'll be "donaing" my organs after my death. DUH! well.. that certainly cancels out my lung for transplantation. infact, i might be the one who needs it. it should be all black by now due to the amount of nicotine i've inhaled. hahaha.. anyway, that reminds me. the recovery of my leg came at the right time. since my cigarette stock is almost up. haha.. BUT but.. i am trying to cut down.. again.. for the umpteen time. haha..

well.. i just reach home now. gonna rest a bit now. haha.. see ya!!

True Feelings?

it seems to be a long time since i last blog. probably cos i've got too much time & i practically waste every minute by sleeping. i feel so so lazy. actually i did try to blog a couple of time. but halfway thru i got lazy & simply log-out. haha..

man utd won last night against sparta. it was a good performance by them. as a man utd supporter i want them to win the championship of course, but to be realistic i don't think they are good enough to win the cup. after watch the barcelona vs milan match the night before, i've to conclude that barcelona is a very very very good team. ronaldinho, xavi, deco, eto'o & larsson just to name a few. their style of playing was just sensational!

george bush won the election. i'm not very happy with the outcome cos i don't really like bush. he did a lot for the U.S. but personally i think he could do much better. maybe it would be nice to let john kerry to win & prove himself? anyway it had already been decided. bush will be president for 4 more years.

i'd been doing a lot of thinking these few days about my present & future. actually i used to think about it when i'm free & had nothing better to do. however this time around it felt a bit more serious. i used to be happy-go-lucky person but as i grow up i'm finding it harder to keep that persona of mine. everything seems to serious nowadays & i accept it. i know its gonna be hard. hmmm.. lets just leave it to the future. =)

that's it, i'm gonna end now. starting to feel lazy! hahaha.. good night y'all.

Pug Jelly - Come Home Soon

click to listen >> music video

It's been two days and I'm missin' you already
Never really thought you could mean
So much in such a little time

Think about the nights when I'm lyin' in your bed
With my chest resting your head
Now that you're gone I'm here to stay

I think I'm fallin' down. Down down down
With a bad case of love. Love love love
I think I'm falling for you. You you you
I think, I'm falling in love

When you come back all I wanna do is hold you
Have a blast even though there's nothing to do
Hold you close and look you in the eyes

So just come back and I'll tell you how I feel
Never knew how easy you could steal
My heart I miss you come home soon

I think I'm fallin' down. Down down down

With a bad case of love. Love love love

I think I'm falling for you. You you you

I think, I'm falling in love

I think, I'm fallin' in love
I think, I'm fallin' in love

Cause I know that you won't be home when I call you
You're in England now, I hope that you'll be home soon
Cause I know that you won't be there when I call you, NOW

I think I'm fallin' down. Down down down

With a bad case of love. Love love love

I think I'm falling for you. You you you

I think, I'm falling in love

I think, I'm fallin' in love(slow)
I think, I'm fallin' in love

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lolz.. its pretty close. pug jelly is a local band. hmmm.. 2 aussie & a jap. i didn't know about that. well.. actually i knew, just wasn't certain. its quite nice though, the song i meant. haha..

my ankle is feeling better by the day. i can bend over now. so i tried removing the bandage yesterday & clean my foot. then i bandage it back cos i fear i might knock my ankle against something. i'm quite a klutz. haha.. the bandage acts as somesort of protection. =P

take care peepz & sweetie. peace out!

ELATED!!

i've just chatted with my dear!! i was lying down when she message. rushed to my keyboard & accidentally hit the table with my wounded ankle! agony!! but chatting with her really soothes the pain! oh gosh! love ya lots dear! i'm the happiest guy in the world!! happy happy happy!! lolz.. hahahaha.. she's still doing her assignment, carrying out experiments. didn't get any sleep though. i wished everything goes well so that she could get some rest. *hugs hugs*

the last time i slept, i had a dream. a wonderful dream. we were by the beach, hanging out by each other's arms enjoying the relaxing scenery of the sunset with breeze of winds coming from the sea. ahhh.. it was enjoyable. the dream might be simple but it seems as though time had stopped & there was just the two of us. then.. i woke up. shoot! i grumbled & grumbled. trying my best to fall asleep again. unfortunately i can't cos i'd been asleep for 12 hours. =(

i'm gonna sleep now. hopefully i'll be able to continue with the same dream! hahaha.. sweet dreams everyone & take care! especially to my dear. *muacks* take good care of yourself!!

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Stacie Orrico - I Promise

Will I always be there for you?

When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?

Will I do all my best to, to protect you?

When the tears get near your eyes

Will I be the one that's by your side?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?

Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?

I promise, I promise

I promise I will

Will I take tender tender care of you?

Take your darkest night and make it bright for you

Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?

When this world has turned so cold

Will I be the one that's there to hold?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?

Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?

I promise, I promise

I promise I will

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?

Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?

I promise, I promise

I promise I will

Yeah

And I love you more every day

And nothing will take that love away

When you need someone

I promise I'll be there for you (there for you)

I promise

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?

Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?

I promise, I promise

I promise I will

And I promise (and I promise)

I promise (oh I promise you)

I will be there when you call me (when you call me)

I promise (I promise)

I promise I will

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kinda a lot of promises huh?? i guess i'll just have to do my best. haha.. alright dear? *HUGS*

Second day of recovery

recovering quite well. it wasn't as painful as the last i think. can't remember. infact, the wound doesn't hurt at all. perhaps its the work of the painkillers. thank you so much to the person who came up with it. haha.. however both my legs are sore. left leg for hopping around the house. & the right leg for being "afloat" the whole day. well.. my whole body is sore, for staying in bed for too long with the same exact postition. it was so uncomfortable.. haha.. wished it will healed up soon!

i think i forgot to mention that the nurses yesterday were especially "nice" towards me. they were like smiling & smiling whenever they walked passed my bed. some chatted with me, but i just wanted to rest. no choice but to entertain them. well.. maybe cos the other patients were ah peks! lolz.. that's why they were attentive towards me. hahahaha... whatever.

its weird but i kinda like staying at the hospital. actually i wanted to be warded but my mum wanted me to be at home. living at the hospital is very very peaceful plus there are nurses around the clock to attend to my needs. hahaha.. it is a bit boring though but there isn't much different with my current situation.

anyway i'm gonna stop now. my legs are cramping up on me. better get more sleep dear. you'll fall sick if you don't give your body a chance to rest once in a while. *hugs hugs*

Back from Surgery

the operation went well. the whole procedure was quick, it took about half an hour. i was discharged by lunchtime. as i had predicted, the injection was the most painful part. the surgeon jabbed me around 10 - 15 times with the needle!! argh...!!! then i kinda chatted with the surgeon. i asked.. "are you done yet with the injection already?". he replied.. "... injection over. your ankle had already been sliced open." at this point, i was like whoa... that was fast! wanted to look at it, but they placed sheets of cloth to block my view. then i could feel the screws being unscrewed. it wasn't painful but as he unscrews it, it kinda hits the nerves. lastly the stitch, though my ankle was numb all over, i could still feel the needle piercing thru my skin. hahaha... gross but cool!!

i reached early. i was the first patient. i went in alone while my mum heads home. i was surrounded by nurses, 10 at least. however.. only a couple was wort taking a second look. hahaha.. but i wished i was being attended to by my dear carissa. haha.. oh well..

this was taken before my operation. see the circle that i've highlighted? that's the caused of the infection, blame it all to my impatience.. should have waited for it to heal up before i started walking. causing the stitch to burst open. hahaha..

these metals here are the implants that was a part of me for a year & a half. interestingly, it looked much smaller than the ones shown on the x-ray. plus! i've got to keep it!! hahaha.. thinking about framing them up! well.. hmmm.. hahaha...

my ankle is all bandaged up yet again.. well well.. isn't this familiar. got a feeling of de ja vu. haha.. wished i could open it up & let all of you see the wound. but i can hardly bend over without sending painful pulses to it. some other day then.

The moment finally comes.

gonna have my operation later, i'm kinda scared but its probably nothing. it will soon pass. however i reckon that its gonna be a much more painful experience than the previous surgery. mainly cos of the injection. the procedure is pretty much the same as removing my wisdom tooth. the wisdom tooth took just 2 shot of injection. hmmm.. i wonder how much more i'll be receiving for my ankle? the thought of having my ankle sliced open right before my eyes is just gruesome as i'll still be able to feel the doctor tugging the flesh. hahaha.. but its cool! it would be awesome if i could bring back the metal plate & the screws, but i don't think there's any such possiblity. oh well.. too bad then.

i went out earlier to treat myself before the operation. i bought something worth.. 119 bucks i think? hmm.. not too sure.. haha. however the thing that i really really wanted is just priceless. which is love. if i could obtain that then it would just be heaven. i'm willing to risk any pain or absolutely anything withing my capability for that matter. i hope the operation would be life threatening, it would be great!. hahaha.. just kidding. =P

anyway i need to get some rest now. getting kinda sleepy. good night people & have a nice day dear. take care of yourself. =)

Operation Ankle

went to the hospital earlier for check-up on my ankle. everything is fine so the surgery will be held this coming thursday. its gonna be touch-n-go operation, meaning i'll be "reporting" at 9am, i'll be awake throughout the whole procedure. they are gonna inject the stuff around my ankle, i forgot what it is called, cut my ankle open, unscrew the screws & remove the metal plate. i'll probably be discharge in the afternoon. i'm hoping for a fast recovery.

me & my mum went to geylang to shop around for clothes & other accessories after the visit to the hospital. i was feeling grumpy due to the lack of sleep so i went home first. hahaha.. i bought a light purple "baju kurung", a malay traditional clothing. its wasn't very nice i think, but i don't give a damn cos it was hard to find a nice pair plus it was drizzling plus i was having a major headache plus the lack of sleep. hahaha..

my dear just started on her assignment so she'll be busy. she still wanna chat with me in ICQ but i would rather want her to get more sleep. *hugs hugs* love ya dear. take care.

Brrrr...

i blogged earlier that i like rainy days. well, the only setback is the temperature. i woke up at 10 earlier. as usual i missed the time set for breaking fast. amazingly i wasn't feeling hungry, but i did felt like smoking. then i realised that there was only a stick left in the box. argh! no way i could stand the entire night without a puff. so i washed my face & went out. brrrrr..... it was damn cold! i was shivering as i walk. even more so when i was inside 7-11, the queue was long. heck! hahaha.. then i rushed back to my house & went under my blanket. so warm & cos.. ahhh... lolz..

today i had a bad day. my left eye was very sore, as though someone had puched it. the pain wasn't the problem, its just that the tingling feeling was rather distracting when i was watching tv. haha.. i also had tummy ache thru-out the whole day. hmm.. maybe it was something i ate? or maybe i caught the cholera disease! *gasp* alright alright.. my dear would probably be asking me to touch wood again. lolz.. *touchwood touchwood* hahaha..

i am so bored... i wished time would skip so that i can chat with my dear in ICQ again..

why do i always think that i'm better off being dead?

Rainy Days..

its been raining everyday right now. oh man how i love it! especially at night. the air is so fresh, tranquil surrounding. it just relaxes me, makes me at ease with my thoughts. everything is so peaceful. hahaha..

its weird how a person reacts to its feelings. when feeling down everything seems negative. but when a person is happy, life is just great! perhaps this what the human heart does. to overcome it, self-discipline, maturity & experienced solves the problem.

however, life without its ups & downs is just redundant. without its sadness & difficlties, we would never be thankful for the happiness that is bestowed upon us. giving us the opportunity to cherish the happiness. frankly speaking, life full of happiness is rather boring. although i've been wishing for happiness almost everyday in my life. haha.. it is complicating. it just goes to show that life isn't to be taken for granted cos we would never known what will happen with our fate in the future. that's why i'm talking in circles! repeating myself. better stop now. lolz..

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Distant Heartbeat

Knowing that you are so far away

I hug the air around me tight

In my mind dreaming it's you

I opened my heart as I opened my mouth

To kiss your sweet red lips

Sometimes I breathe deep

In hopes of catching your scent

Sometimes I can my love

Sometimes I smell your hair

The same as sometimes I hear your laugh

Though they are but echoes fading

Fading into the darkness of my mind

Still they boom and echo

Deep within a hollow heart

Filling it with love that few have felt

Though many have dreamt

I belong to you love

As you belong to me

But until the next time I hold you

Until the next time I kiss you

Until the next time I'm with you

When I need you, I'll close my eyes

And hold you tight

Tight, Tight Tighter

Until I can feel your heartbeat in my hands

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just a little poetry i conjured up during my free time.

BORED......

nothing much to blog about.

my favourite mug cracked earlier this week. sigh.. missed it so much. late nights have not been the same without it. hot coffees & milos tasted different. the amount just ain't balanced.

i'm feeling disturbed. i just wished to skip this depressing phase. move on to happiness & towards death eventually. i wonder how long it will take to reach my final destination. this sucks big time..

I'M SO BORED!!!!!

last night i made a mistake. out of boredom i browse thru my past. i'm having conflicting feelings right now. but i still believe i'm moving on. the past is so hard to let go. nonetheless its just my history now...

Blissful..

feeling great. everything is settling in nicely. aaaahhh.. how great is the feeling. its been a long long time. slowly but surely (i hope) i'm regaining my joyful self again. but this time, i'm more matured & steady. i'm not gonna ask for too much. just wanna be happy & treasuring every minute. gonna try to be postive & curbing up my bad-tempered nature.

fasting has been swell of a time. no problem at all. haha.. unlike my younger & cuter days. complaining every minute, getting the nerves of my mum. difficulty in waking up early for the morning meal, grumbling & knocking on chairs & tables. falling asleep during my meal on the plate! hahahaha..

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"I LOVE YOU!" in different languages.

• Afrikaans - Ek is lief vir jou!
• Albanian - Te dua!
• Amharic - Afekrishalehou!
• Arabic - Ohiboke!
• Armenian - Yes kez si'rumem!
• Basque - Maite zaitut!
• Bengali - Ami tomake bahlobashi!
• Bosnian - Volim te!
• Bulgarian - Obicham te!
• Catalan - T'estimo!
• Creole - Mi aime jou!
• Croatian - Volim te!
• Czech - Miluji tev!
• Danish - Jeg elsker dig!
• Dutch - Ik hou van je!
• English - I love you!
• Esperanto - Mi amas vin!
• Estonian - Mina armastan sind!
• Farsi - Tora dost daram!
• Filipino - Iniibig kita!
• Finnish - (Mä) rakastan sua!
• French - Je t'aime!
• Frisian - Ik hald fan dei!
• Galician - Querote!
• German - Ich liebe dich!
• Greek - S'ayapo!
• Gujarati - Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon! tane chaahuN chhuN!
• Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia 'oe!
• Hebrew - Anee ohev otakh!
• Hindi - Mai tumase pyar karata hun!
• Hungarian - Szeretlek!
• Icelandic - Eg elska thig!
• Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu!
• Irish - t'a gr'a agam dhuit!
• Italian - Ti amo!
• Japanese - Kimi o ai shiteru!
• Korean - Dangsinul saranghee yo!
• Latin - Te amo!
• Latvian - Es tevi milu!
• Lithuanian - As tave myliu!
• Malaysian - Saya cintamu!
• Mandarin - Wo ai ni!
• Marshallese - Yokwe Yuk!
• Norwegian - Jeg elsker deg!
• Polish - Kocham ciebie!
• Portuguese - Eu te amo!
• Romanian - Te iubesc!
• Russian - Ya tyebya lyublyu!
• Sanskrit - twayi snihyaami
• Serbian - Volim te!
• Sesotho - Kiyahurata!
• Slovak - Lubim ta!
• Slovenian - Ljubim te!
• Spanish - Te amo!
• Swahili - Nakupenda!
• Swedish - Jag älskar dig!
• Tagalog - Mahal kita!
• Thai - Phom rug khun
• Turkish - Seni seviyorum!
• Ukrainian - Ya tebe kokhayu!
• Urdu - Main tumse muhabbat karta hoon!
• Vietnamese - Anh yeu em!
• Welsh - Rwy'n dy garu di!
• Yiddish - Kh'hob dikh lib!
• Zulu - Ngiyakuthanda!

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lolz... nothing better to do! hahaha.. good night peepz!

Feels good...

This song sums up the concealed emotion in me. finally i've moved on.. cheerios amigos.. *winks* LOLZ...

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Dreamz FM - Should I Stay

Had a drive

Driven by your love

But when you messed around

I lost the drive I found

Thought you needed

Needed someone true

But you changed your mind

Or had I failed you?

Wish you'd been

Careful with my heart

But you tore it apart

And broke an angel's heart

The kiss was true

Has to end somehow

But I am livin' proof of what love is about

It's hard holding you

Loving you, losing you

It's sad to be true

And be fooled by you

I don't know (I don't know)

I gotta know

Should I stay or should I go?

You played me on

Played me like a clown

But I feel for you

Eventhough I'm down

My heart is heavy

Heavy like a rock

But I am so amused

You're still in my thoughts

It's hard holding you

Loving you, losing you

It's sad to be true

And be fooled by you

I don't know (I don't know)

I gotta know

Should I stay or should I go?

Oooohh... should I stay?

Should I go?

It's hard holding you

Loving you, losing you

It's sad to be true

And be fooled by you

I don't know (I don't know)

I wanna know

Should I stay or should I...?

This time its done

It'll never feel the same

But we had some good times

Guess it's sad just the same

I guess the truth

Doesn't matter somehow

But you were livin' proof of what love is about...

Facts of Life

i've just learnt some sad & hard truths. it really hurt me hard. couldn''t bring myself to accept it. sigh.. i'm more confused than ever. maybe i shouldn't be too hard on her. cos right now i'm full of guilt. its a really terrible feeling. i think right now i needed to have a nice chat with someone dear to me whom i can relate to. someone who knows the situation. sigh.. i'm feeling darn miserable tonight.

anyway England won by a goal from Micheal Owen. i ought to be happy but the result have no effect on me whatsoever. sigh..

life isn't great. what life has given to us, deal it in the best way that we can. compared to others who have a 'rich' life, life would suck a million times over. but compared to others who have worse fate than us, we would have to be thankful that we didn't have to go through the same fate. my life & fate can be found in between the highest & lowest. so i'm just living it the best way i can. however i hope that i can ease the harsh fate that life has given to people whom i cares for.

i'm learning about life as i grow. every now & then i stumble upon new & shocking stuffs about life. sigh.. i'm too miserable to carry on..

i feel especially relaxed today. probably cos i scored 79 for my test. lolz.. from now on i won't have anything to do with Ngee Ann Poly & i don't have to step into the school ever again. except for sending my laptop for repairs & the graduation ceremony which i don't think i'll be going. now i'll just have to look forward. next up, NS & then getting a job or furthering studies. if i happen to get a good job with good salary. then most probably i'll be sticking to that job, if not then pursuing for a degree or something like that.

hmmm.. i know that drinking & smoking is extremely bad for the health. i should probably quit it. however these are the two things that keeps me company constantly. i'll be lost without it. sigh.. anyway the fasting month is starting in 2 days time & i'll be trying to stop the alcohol & nicotine intake. i don't think i'll still be consuming these stuffs after i've settled down. 'if' there's a chance that i find someone that is truly special, i'll most likely quit it cos family comes first. but me finding someone special? i'm not too sure about that.. oh well..

everyday i'm missing someone (girls). 3 to be exact. i'm trying hard to forget 2 of them as one of them hurt me real bad inside while the other.. hmm.. i just don't know what i should do with her. as for the third one , i'm not sure whether i should be having these thought about her in the first place. we share a good relationship & i don't wanna ruin that, but on the other hand i'm developing these feelings for her. what should i do? headache headache.. sigh..

coming up next is the World Cup European Qualifier. England vs. "a country i've never heard of".. lolz.. i'll be stopping here for today. so long!

Record Breaker

today i broke my record. i smoked 40 sticks of Marlboro cigarettes & 10 cans of Baron in a day! lolz..

i'm a bit drunk right now, so i won't be typing much. good night!

anyway i've bought 6-packs of BARONS. anyone willing to join me? if not then i'll probably finish it all to myself! lolz.. =/

Love. YES or NO?

should or shouldn't i love? hmmm.. is there anyone whom i should love? is there anyone who love me? hmmm.. is love really important? i didn't used to think so it was until i experienced the full blast. i was just wondering these few days. should i pursue the love or should i just leave it be? i just can't find the answer. maybe i'm just too timid or maybe my subconcious is avoiding it. hmmm.. a new love? willing to find the answer to my question?

nothing much happen today, just went to school for the test. that's all.. i shall stop blogging now. gonna think about love. so long.

White Chicks

hmmm.. nothing much, caught "White Chicks" yesterday with my friends. it was funny & disgusting at the same time. it was just gross looking at the two guys. yucks! but overall, the show was not bad. =)

tomorrow i'll be having my last test. finally. after tommorow i'm gonna declare myself free from ngee ann poly with a couple jugs of booze. but i'll have to cramp it all tonight first. should be easy. haha.. so long!

NEW LOVE?

Fragility of life

life is as fragile as a new born baby. it can be ended in a matter of seconds. there are an infinite methods of end one's life. i've thought of it on a few occassions, stepped over the boundary between life & death. i'm still alive & blogging, so meaning i've chosen life? do we live for others or for ourselves? most people live for others; for example families, close friends or even animals. the few who live for theselves.. well.. i'm not too sure cos i've never experience that. i just can't apprehend it. what's the purpose? isn't it just selfish to live with that concept? i'm struggling with life as there's barely any joy in it. i'm just waiting for a reason. a reason to live. hope it appears soon. hopefully.

DEFINITIONS OF LIFE

1. a : the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body b : a principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings c : an organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction

2. a : the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual b : one or more aspects of the process of living [sex life of the frog]

3. BIOGRAPHY

4. spiritual existence transcending physical death

5. a : the period from birth to death b : a specific phase of earthly existence [adult life] c : the period from an event until death [a judge appointed for life] d : a sentence of imprisonment for the remainder of a convict's life

6. a way or manner of living

7. LIVELIHOOD

8. a vital or living being; specifically : PERSON [many lives were lost in the disaster]

9. an animating and shaping force or principle

10. SPIRIT, ANIMATION

11. the form or pattern of something existing in reality

12. the period of duration, usefulness, or popularity of something [the expected life of flashlight batteries]

13. the period of existence (as of a subatomic particle)

14. a property (as resilience or elasticity) of an inanimate substance or object resembling the animate quality of a living being

15. living beings (as of a particular kind or environment) [forest life]

16. a : human activities b : animate activity and movement [stirrings of life] c : the activities of a given sphere, area, or time [the political life of the country]

17. one providing interest and vigor [life of the party]

18. an opportunity for continued viability [gave the patient a new life]

19. capitalized, Christian Science : GOD

20. something resembling animate life [a grant saved the project's life]

Hopeless

the labtest was unexpectedly easy. so easy that got over confident. with much time left in my hand, i thought i'm almost done with test with the last question. i was far ahead compared to my labmates. so i wasted time. STUPID. with 10 minutes left, i finally realised there was another page at the back. argh.. i could have gotten the full score but my stupidity cost me my grades. argh, forget it. this is probably the last module i'll be taking. next coming monday i'll be having my theory test. the last test paper of ngee ann poly. music to my ears..

eveytime i thought i've moved on. it just keeps drawing back again. all those memories occupies my dream. how can i move on like this? how can i prevent myself from dreaming? daytime, i try ever so hard to find something to do just to prevent my thoughts from wondering aimlessly. night time, still trying to occupy my mind until i drop dead into the arms of mr sandman. i'm probably the most sensitive guy in this lifetime. hopeless & very much without a purpose in life.

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Death is nothing but a moment's rest

Until the Second Coming of the Lord

When He shall gather to Him of the best

To take them to the place of their reward.

I've felt the power of God in my soul

Shining like a golden sun within,

Melting my hard heart to make me whole,

Burning out the remnants of my sin.

I've felt Him work within me, so I know

The glory that will come when I awake.

I'll sleep just like a child who'll homeward go,

And in my dreams of love great pleasure take.

So do not mourn my death, and do not grieve.

The Lord will come for me: This I believe.

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so long everyone.. good bye..