Near future add-on.

i'm back again! the top pic is a tattoo design i modified from several sources so i think its safe to say that i designed it? its like taking a template and add in a lot of creativity with the help of a software and thus this is the result. the design was ready a few months ago but after my regular tattoo artist went awol from the tattoo industry to work at a zoo. i'm trying to find someone who can do a good job and demands a reasonable price.. i don't have much contacts though so it might be postponed till god knows when. anyway i haven't decided yet where to place it. left arm or right arm? at least for certain this current tattoo can be easily seen by me therefore it acts as a reminder that i actually have tattoos on my body. so far i have 2 can-sized tattoo underneath both arms, something that i'm sick of. not the tattoo of course but those nosey friends who wanted to see it plus both are ambigrams so not only do i have to lift my arms but i also have to twist my arms around to be able to see the other words from an upside down view. the third tattoo that i have is a pretty big A3-size design that anyone can standing 1km away. yeah anyone but me because it on my back. the only way i can see it is by facing my back towards a mirror which i don't do very often. there was a time when i actually forgot that i have a large piece on my back for more than 6 months. it completely slip my mind until i accidentally saw it one day thru double reflection of mirrors. crap! when i saw it after such a long time i was like stunned to the ground. it felt like the first time i got it done and it was the first tattoo i ever did. such fond unpleasant memories. so far i've never met anyone who had their first ever tattoo done with that kind of scale. i didn't know what i was really thinking back then. all i could remember was feeling hurt and lonely, and i just had to do something to distract myself from the emotional pain. it actually work wonders! during the tattooing process i was relieved of the pain momentarily until the tattoo was done. it took 3 months i think? the artist couldn't complete it faster cos just a small piece, the size of 2 wallets, would take him 5 hours, his wrist couldn't take the strain. then i had to take 1 week rest after each session to heal up. but the amazing thing was that i can hardly remember feeling any physical pain. it could be that the emotional pain i was suffering was even worse? or maybe the room was just tooo cold and i was half-naked shivering? well.. it must be the first option. why? because most recent piece i did, that was like around less than a year ago?, hurts like hell! i'm embarrassed to say that tears of pain flow thru my eyes that day. same room, same coldness, same artist but hell lot of difference in pain levels. anyway i didn't include my second piece cos it was done right after the first piece. i kinda got addicted to it then and totally no pain well comparing to the one i just did that was more than 10 times the size my body was immune to the pain then. AH! hmm.. i seem to remember blogging about this once before. i might be repeating myself. haha.. oh well. i'm off to finish up my liquor.

Sleeping Disorder?

i can't seem to sleep!! argh! i'm already bored to the bone and i can't sleep. this is so frustrating. i only get the "oh i'm about to sleep" feel whenever i need to go out. what the heck? for the past 1 week its been an hourly nap everyday, a few minutes here, a few minutes there. its been a while since i quit my after night activities, no more alcohol and no more hangovers. now the night seem to be so long.

to make matter worse i caught a sore throat earlier this week. for my body that usually means a fever will appear followed by a bad cough follwed by a flu. i'm at the flu stage now. i'm not sure why but my body immune system is extremely weak against sore throat. everytime without fail those 3 sickness will come thru.

i've got a feeling i'm going to blog alot tonight. whatever comes to mind and i will register it here. unless i try knocking myself out. i still have a bottle of hard liquor stash away in my room. should i unseal it? if i stop blogging for the night then thats the reason. i might not even be awake till tommorow night.

Glimpse of my past.

i'm so bored right now. eversince i started to come back from my "self-declared" break i've been so restless lately. blogging on this old blog of seem to past some time and out of curiosity i kinda took a peek at the very begining of this blog. . . what the hell?! i used to be much more brighter, colourful and interesting in my words. now i'm just damning this space full of negative shits. quite a change hmm.. not that i care really.

i've been practically going for my car license everyday now. i seem to be progressing quite fast, but now all i can think of is all the theories inside my head so i decided to put it off till monday, a little break sounds good. that is if i can stand not doing anything for the next 3 days. darn it! i used to be able not to do anything for weeks or months. now just a mere 24 hours at home is suffocating me. i guess i'll have to go tomorrow to book some practice lesson or anything to keep me occupied. sheesh. pretty pathetic huh? maybe i'll find someone to bother tomorrow! hmm..

Not so much crap.

the previous post was all due to the build-up emotions i've endured through-out my life. i guess national service just added the fire to the accumulated fuel? from what i've experience only the minority actually gain discipline. the rest just can't wait to get it done and over with. the reason why some are motivated to do meaningful things in life is because they spent so much time in camp doing stuffs that doesn't help at all in society that they decided to act quickly the moment they pass out to recover the wasted time. there are some who couldn't think so far ahead in their future in society that they are tempted to sign on, only to regret their decision. i've alot of regulars and friends who is in this category. try to use your brain to think, signing on under contract for a number of years seems to be a good deal at first but when the contract is over what then? not everyone will get to renew their contracts. instead why not get a good head start working in society no matter how tough and stressful it is? hmmm.. just listen to me. i'm not the one to talk so i'll stop this topic here.

anyway it was tough during national service cos i didn't have anyone close to turn to during this period. friends are just friends, they have their own problems to deal with, sure i can talk to them but i can't share my problems with them. its unfair to have them share my problems, they can give advice doesn't matter if they are good or bad however for me unfortunately advice doesn't solve problems. what i need is moral support someone to get you going. i have my mum though, we're close but strictly mother-son relation. we can't talk about relationship problems cos its awkward for both of us. i know for sure cos its been tested and a proven failure.

i'm not trying to blame everything on my childhood but i seem to have an attachment to things therefore its always extremely hard for me to let go of anything important or adapt to new things. moving up from primary to secondary was the starting point. i felt that my friends were going their separate ways. i know for a fact that we'll somhow be in touch but its just the feeling of someone leaving you. maybe i got that feeling when my dad passed on? anyway it got from bad to worse as i grew older from secondary to tertiary to the present. at each and every interval i tend to stray or run away from society. i realised that its bad for me cos its always hard to get back on track everytime. no matter how much i try to plan ahead it always gets screw up at the important moment. i wonder why i'm causing problems to myself. i'm starting to think that its due to lack of independence. my mum has always intervene with my life and somehow ends up dictating it.

sometimes i do good deeds and help people like nobody business, i try to be kind and courteous that it even shock me at times. is this really me? i wondered to myself everytime. until now i'm still trying to find out why i did all those things. i'm not too sure whether it came from the heart or just an act. having said all that, sometimes i do the exact opposite, being mean and all. is this my true self? it feels like having some weird mood swings. but iknow for sure that i don't like being nasty, i always regret it the next second but what done is done. the fact that i acted nasty for whatever reason remains. i should learnt to control.

as for me right now i'm determine to straighten my life up but one step at a time. get a license, get a car, get a good reliable job, get a degree, then hmmm.. study some more till i drop? i'll try to get the first few things done after that i'll just let life follow its course. if its bad then i'll write more on this blog its not something new anyway. if its good then its as good as it gets cos i get a feeling it won't last long.

All Crap!!

i have no idea what to do with my life. i can't find any motivation in my life. what am i living for? for what purpose? if i'm working then what am i working for? for what purpose did i study so much for? so that i can have a bright future?? however i'm not happy with my life, in fact i've never been happy with my life other than this brief moment, a brief moment of sincere happiness and witnessing the whole world crashing down on me. so gullible but i can't blame anyone but me cos it was my decision. it wasn't anything new but that time around it was immensely painful. don't think it's gone cos my pain turned into regret and sorrow, nothing like i've experienced before. what a predicament my life turned out. someone once told me that i don't have a life well growing up like how i have been growing it was surprising no one said it sooner.

my happy smiles has all been a pretence ever since my dad passed on. how could i be happy when a lost of my kin is followed by family conflicts, hoping from house to house, not having a home with a complete family and always home alone as my mum worked till 11 at night. that for me was the most difficult period to cope with as i had to overcome any fears coming from a child at that age. with a childhood like that could i grow up happy or normal? traumatised? maybe. i didn't say anything to my mum cos i know how hard this is on her. so that's how i pretend to be smiling day after day and try to act normal. now that i've grown up i've really been wondering about my life. can i really be happy? or whenever by chance that i'm happy is it happiness or just a faux cos i can't differentiate my true feelings. anyway i can't seem to pretend for much longer, its very very tiring emotionally. growing up as an extremely introvert person is taking its toll. sometimes i can talk non-stop and yet abruptly stop, spacing out thinking of nothing. but most of the time i just kept quiet. a friend told me that i'm a man of a few words. who true is that but all of it comes down to my mood. i'm happy if i talk too much whereas unhappy when i'm quiet. based on that i think i'm hardly happy throughout my life. you can even find the word "quiet" on all of my report cards in primary and secondary school combined. every year without fail. haha (sarcastic laugh). can i actually continue to act as if all is well? i'm not that tough really, there's a limit to mental toughness. right now i feel like i'm living on a tightrope millions if not billions high above ground and all i need is a push from the tiniest gust of wind to suffer a complete breakdown. i've certainly been living by the edge, slipping closer as i grow older. maybe in total seclusion i can be at ease even for a little. can't believe i'm living for something that i'm not enjoying at all? this feels like crap. i can't take this anymore god damn it. sigh..

could it be due to my abnormal childhood or influences in life that i somehow can't picture myself having a family with my own race. in my mind it always has got to be a chinese. one of my cousin got married last week and it got me thinking really got me thinking. yet another cousin of mine asked willfully who'll be next? disregarding another cousin of mine who's a year older and is already engaged probably tying the knot by this year of course. may i add that this is also the cousin who brought his chinese girlfriend during the festive gathering and was pressure by my aunts nonetheless to either make her convert or break up. very very assuring to me indeed. as for me i don't mind converting or not converting. hey i'm not that religious as well. i don't think my mum really mind about it though. well that's what i think. anyway the real problem lies with my aunts. my mum seems to be influenced by them, probably due to avoid gossips. so what am i supposed to do? somehow i seem to be always adding up to the tons and tons of problems that i already have. its never ending. well i could elope, that's a solution ain't the best there is though but do i really have the heart to elope and leaving my mum alone? don't think so. i could never bear to leave my mum's side for anything. seeing my mum's heart break is probably worse than any other torture i could think of. otherwise i would have probably left singapore by now. she's my one and only kin in this wretched world. why oh why couldn't i have a sibling? it would probably help me tremendously. if my mum really "die die" wants me to have a family than i think i'll have no choice but to just pick any from the "market", continue pretending to be happy and the end. not to be disrespectful but it won't matter to me anymore by then cos i would have lost any hopes of actually be in control of my life and happiness.

could all of this be fate? am i fated to go thru all of these shit ever since the moment my head popped out into this world? my great grandma used to say that i look like a chinese when i was born, that's according to my mum. hmmm.. this is a little bit out of context but i just felt like saying it. due to fate i have only 2 memories of my dad, one was playing with him and the other was resting him to his grave. as my dad passed on when i was very young the reality that he's not with me didn't struck me until i grew older, i remember grieving for him while i was in secondary one, years after he's gone. can i say that i've been spared from total heartache? but then again growing up without a dad really sucks big time. it's always my mum and me. however i could tell that she was having a hard time watching me grow up. especially since my poly days as she couldn't adapt seeing me in a relationship, enlisting into national service was the hardest. she was probably feeling lonely at home alone and i in turn was worried about her being alone. at tekong though i wasn't faring that well somehow i was feeling lonely although i'd made quite a lot of friends. usually the loneliness strikes after lights out. i'm not such an early sleeper and that probably made it worse cos whispers upon whispers are heard during the night and i hadn't had much of a choice but to ignore it as best as i could, wasn't easy though listening to all those mushy words.. Crap!

i hear by conclude that my life is full of crap "full stop"

p.s. i hate vivo city can't believe i spent 30 mins just to get out!