All Crap!!

i have no idea what to do with my life. i can't find any motivation in my life. what am i living for? for what purpose? if i'm working then what am i working for? for what purpose did i study so much for? so that i can have a bright future?? however i'm not happy with my life, in fact i've never been happy with my life other than this brief moment, a brief moment of sincere happiness and witnessing the whole world crashing down on me. so gullible but i can't blame anyone but me cos it was my decision. it wasn't anything new but that time around it was immensely painful. don't think it's gone cos my pain turned into regret and sorrow, nothing like i've experienced before. what a predicament my life turned out. someone once told me that i don't have a life well growing up like how i have been growing it was surprising no one said it sooner.

my happy smiles has all been a pretence ever since my dad passed on. how could i be happy when a lost of my kin is followed by family conflicts, hoping from house to house, not having a home with a complete family and always home alone as my mum worked till 11 at night. that for me was the most difficult period to cope with as i had to overcome any fears coming from a child at that age. with a childhood like that could i grow up happy or normal? traumatised? maybe. i didn't say anything to my mum cos i know how hard this is on her. so that's how i pretend to be smiling day after day and try to act normal. now that i've grown up i've really been wondering about my life. can i really be happy? or whenever by chance that i'm happy is it happiness or just a faux cos i can't differentiate my true feelings. anyway i can't seem to pretend for much longer, its very very tiring emotionally. growing up as an extremely introvert person is taking its toll. sometimes i can talk non-stop and yet abruptly stop, spacing out thinking of nothing. but most of the time i just kept quiet. a friend told me that i'm a man of a few words. who true is that but all of it comes down to my mood. i'm happy if i talk too much whereas unhappy when i'm quiet. based on that i think i'm hardly happy throughout my life. you can even find the word "quiet" on all of my report cards in primary and secondary school combined. every year without fail. haha (sarcastic laugh). can i actually continue to act as if all is well? i'm not that tough really, there's a limit to mental toughness. right now i feel like i'm living on a tightrope millions if not billions high above ground and all i need is a push from the tiniest gust of wind to suffer a complete breakdown. i've certainly been living by the edge, slipping closer as i grow older. maybe in total seclusion i can be at ease even for a little. can't believe i'm living for something that i'm not enjoying at all? this feels like crap. i can't take this anymore god damn it. sigh..

could it be due to my abnormal childhood or influences in life that i somehow can't picture myself having a family with my own race. in my mind it always has got to be a chinese. one of my cousin got married last week and it got me thinking really got me thinking. yet another cousin of mine asked willfully who'll be next? disregarding another cousin of mine who's a year older and is already engaged probably tying the knot by this year of course. may i add that this is also the cousin who brought his chinese girlfriend during the festive gathering and was pressure by my aunts nonetheless to either make her convert or break up. very very assuring to me indeed. as for me i don't mind converting or not converting. hey i'm not that religious as well. i don't think my mum really mind about it though. well that's what i think. anyway the real problem lies with my aunts. my mum seems to be influenced by them, probably due to avoid gossips. so what am i supposed to do? somehow i seem to be always adding up to the tons and tons of problems that i already have. its never ending. well i could elope, that's a solution ain't the best there is though but do i really have the heart to elope and leaving my mum alone? don't think so. i could never bear to leave my mum's side for anything. seeing my mum's heart break is probably worse than any other torture i could think of. otherwise i would have probably left singapore by now. she's my one and only kin in this wretched world. why oh why couldn't i have a sibling? it would probably help me tremendously. if my mum really "die die" wants me to have a family than i think i'll have no choice but to just pick any from the "market", continue pretending to be happy and the end. not to be disrespectful but it won't matter to me anymore by then cos i would have lost any hopes of actually be in control of my life and happiness.

could all of this be fate? am i fated to go thru all of these shit ever since the moment my head popped out into this world? my great grandma used to say that i look like a chinese when i was born, that's according to my mum. hmmm.. this is a little bit out of context but i just felt like saying it. due to fate i have only 2 memories of my dad, one was playing with him and the other was resting him to his grave. as my dad passed on when i was very young the reality that he's not with me didn't struck me until i grew older, i remember grieving for him while i was in secondary one, years after he's gone. can i say that i've been spared from total heartache? but then again growing up without a dad really sucks big time. it's always my mum and me. however i could tell that she was having a hard time watching me grow up. especially since my poly days as she couldn't adapt seeing me in a relationship, enlisting into national service was the hardest. she was probably feeling lonely at home alone and i in turn was worried about her being alone. at tekong though i wasn't faring that well somehow i was feeling lonely although i'd made quite a lot of friends. usually the loneliness strikes after lights out. i'm not such an early sleeper and that probably made it worse cos whispers upon whispers are heard during the night and i hadn't had much of a choice but to ignore it as best as i could, wasn't easy though listening to all those mushy words.. Crap!

i hear by conclude that my life is full of crap "full stop"

p.s. i hate vivo city can't believe i spent 30 mins just to get out!