Not so much crap.

the previous post was all due to the build-up emotions i've endured through-out my life. i guess national service just added the fire to the accumulated fuel? from what i've experience only the minority actually gain discipline. the rest just can't wait to get it done and over with. the reason why some are motivated to do meaningful things in life is because they spent so much time in camp doing stuffs that doesn't help at all in society that they decided to act quickly the moment they pass out to recover the wasted time. there are some who couldn't think so far ahead in their future in society that they are tempted to sign on, only to regret their decision. i've alot of regulars and friends who is in this category. try to use your brain to think, signing on under contract for a number of years seems to be a good deal at first but when the contract is over what then? not everyone will get to renew their contracts. instead why not get a good head start working in society no matter how tough and stressful it is? hmmm.. just listen to me. i'm not the one to talk so i'll stop this topic here.

anyway it was tough during national service cos i didn't have anyone close to turn to during this period. friends are just friends, they have their own problems to deal with, sure i can talk to them but i can't share my problems with them. its unfair to have them share my problems, they can give advice doesn't matter if they are good or bad however for me unfortunately advice doesn't solve problems. what i need is moral support someone to get you going. i have my mum though, we're close but strictly mother-son relation. we can't talk about relationship problems cos its awkward for both of us. i know for sure cos its been tested and a proven failure.

i'm not trying to blame everything on my childhood but i seem to have an attachment to things therefore its always extremely hard for me to let go of anything important or adapt to new things. moving up from primary to secondary was the starting point. i felt that my friends were going their separate ways. i know for a fact that we'll somhow be in touch but its just the feeling of someone leaving you. maybe i got that feeling when my dad passed on? anyway it got from bad to worse as i grew older from secondary to tertiary to the present. at each and every interval i tend to stray or run away from society. i realised that its bad for me cos its always hard to get back on track everytime. no matter how much i try to plan ahead it always gets screw up at the important moment. i wonder why i'm causing problems to myself. i'm starting to think that its due to lack of independence. my mum has always intervene with my life and somehow ends up dictating it.

sometimes i do good deeds and help people like nobody business, i try to be kind and courteous that it even shock me at times. is this really me? i wondered to myself everytime. until now i'm still trying to find out why i did all those things. i'm not too sure whether it came from the heart or just an act. having said all that, sometimes i do the exact opposite, being mean and all. is this my true self? it feels like having some weird mood swings. but iknow for sure that i don't like being nasty, i always regret it the next second but what done is done. the fact that i acted nasty for whatever reason remains. i should learnt to control.

as for me right now i'm determine to straighten my life up but one step at a time. get a license, get a car, get a good reliable job, get a degree, then hmmm.. study some more till i drop? i'll try to get the first few things done after that i'll just let life follow its course. if its bad then i'll write more on this blog its not something new anyway. if its good then its as good as it gets cos i get a feeling it won't last long.