i have no idea what to do with my life. i can't find any motivation in my life. what am i living for? for what purpose? if i'm working then what am i working for? for what purpose did i study so much for? so that i can have a bright future?? however i'm not happy with my life, in fact i've never been happy with my life other than this brief moment, a brief moment of sincere happiness and witnessing the whole world crashing down on me. so gullible but i can't blame anyone but me cos it was my decision. it wasn't anything new but that time around it was immensely painful. don't think it's gone cos my pain turned into regret and sorrow, nothing like i've experienced before. what a predicament my life turned out. someone once told me that i don't have a life well growing up like how i have been growing it was surprising no one said it sooner.
my happy smiles has all been a pretence ever since my dad passed on. how could i be happy when a lost of my kin is followed by family conflicts, hoping from house to house, not having a home with a complete family and always home alone as my mum worked till 11 at night. that for me was the most difficult period to cope with as i had to overcome any fears coming from a child at that age. with a childhood like that could i grow up happy or normal? traumatised? maybe. i didn't say anything to my mum cos i know how hard this is on her. so that's how i pretend to be smiling day after day and try to act normal. now that i've grown up i've really been wondering about my life. can i really be happy? or whenever by chance that i'm happy is it happiness or just a faux cos i can't differentiate my true feelings. anyway i can't seem to pretend for much longer, its very very tiring emotionally. growing up as an extremely introvert person is taking its toll. sometimes i can talk non-stop and yet abruptly stop, spacing out thinking of nothing. but most of the time i just kept quiet. a friend told me that i'm a man of a few words. who true is that but all of it comes down to my mood. i'm happy if i talk too much whereas unhappy when i'm quiet. based on that i think i'm hardly happy throughout my life. you can even find the word "quiet" on all of my report cards in primary and secondary school combined. every year without fail. haha (sarcastic laugh). can i actually continue to act as if all is well? i'm not that tough really, there's a limit to mental toughness. right now i feel like i'm living on a tightrope millions if not billions high above ground and all i need is a push from the tiniest gust of wind to suffer a complete breakdown. i've certainly been living by the edge, slipping closer as i grow older. maybe in total seclusion i can be at ease even for a little. can't believe i'm living for something that i'm not enjoying at all? this feels like crap. i can't take this anymore god damn it. sigh..
could it be due to my abnormal childhood or influences in life that i somehow can't picture myself having a family with my own race. in my mind it always has got to be a chinese. one of my cousin got married last week and it got me thinking really got me thinking. yet another cousin of mine asked willfully who'll be next? disregarding another cousin of mine who's a year older and is already engaged probably tying the knot by this year of course. may i add that this is also the cousin who brought his chinese girlfriend during the festive gathering and was pressure by my aunts nonetheless to either make her convert or break up. very very assuring to me indeed. as for me i don't mind converting or not converting. hey i'm not that religious as well. i don't think my mum really mind about it though. well that's what i think. anyway the real problem lies with my aunts. my mum seems to be influenced by them, probably due to avoid gossips. so what am i supposed to do? somehow i seem to be always adding up to the tons and tons of problems that i already have. its never ending. well i could elope, that's a solution ain't the best there is though but do i really have the heart to elope and leaving my mum alone? don't think so. i could never bear to leave my mum's side for anything. seeing my mum's heart break is probably worse than any other torture i could think of. otherwise i would have probably left singapore by now. she's my one and only kin in this wretched world. why oh why couldn't i have a sibling? it would probably help me tremendously. if my mum really "die die" wants me to have a family than i think i'll have no choice but to just pick any from the "market", continue pretending to be happy and the end. not to be disrespectful but it won't matter to me anymore by then cos i would have lost any hopes of actually be in control of my life and happiness.
could all of this be fate? am i fated to go thru all of these shit ever since the moment my head popped out into this world? my great grandma used to say that i look like a chinese when i was born, that's according to my mum. hmmm.. this is a little bit out of context but i just felt like saying it. due to fate i have only 2 memories of my dad, one was playing with him and the other was resting him to his grave. as my dad passed on when i was very young the reality that he's not with me didn't struck me until i grew older, i remember grieving for him while i was in secondary one, years after he's gone. can i say that i've been spared from total heartache? but then again growing up without a dad really sucks big time. it's always my mum and me. however i could tell that she was having a hard time watching me grow up. especially since my poly days as she couldn't adapt seeing me in a relationship, enlisting into national service was the hardest. she was probably feeling lonely at home alone and i in turn was worried about her being alone. at tekong though i wasn't faring that well somehow i was feeling lonely although i'd made quite a lot of friends. usually the loneliness strikes after lights out. i'm not such an early sleeper and that probably made it worse cos whispers upon whispers are heard during the night and i hadn't had much of a choice but to ignore it as best as i could, wasn't easy though listening to all those mushy words.. Crap!
i hear by conclude that my life is full of crap "full stop"
p.s. i hate vivo city can't believe i spent 30 mins just to get out!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
All Crap!!
Sunday, March 05, 2006
P.S. Course!
hadn't blog for 2 months now. initially i was just being lazy currently i have been busy with something called platoon sergeant course since the mod of last month. its a 6 weeks course held at sispec at the newly allocated pasir laba camp, just one exit away from my house that is if you're taking the pie towards tuas. the whole course is broken up to 2 weeks common phase & 4 weeks operational phase in other words, 2 weeks full lecture & theory based & 4 weeks of agonizing outfield practice. so far i've only ended the first week of the operational phase & i've already fallen sick. well i've always been sick these few months but it has just gotten worse. probably cos of the training on friday under the scorching sun. it was so damn bloody hot. i've had major heat cramps & i've suffered dehydration causing me to burn out. how i wish the 3 more weeks would pass by fast!
anyway backtrack to the days before i started the course, i've had some interesting events. one of it is when my company had a nights out & one of my man under my charge came back drunk. totally in a whole of his own & wasted. unfortunately he had stirred a minor problem at the place he went to drink & was thrown out. so he didn't accept that & started to argue. it was lucky he went there with his friends. they manage to escort him back to camp but even in camp he was still causing a ruckus. and that's when i stepped in. i happened to notice him being escorted from the corridor of my bunk. so i decided to come down and so call investigate but actually i was bored and didn't have anything else to do. hah! founded out the situation and decided to intervene.. as rough as he was, he still had the respect towards me as his commander. but still he was drunk and begining to piss me off so i pinned him down like a wrestler repeatedly shouted at him to snap out of it before i decided to charge him for misconduct. well i did manage to subdue after an hour plus.. by then i was pretty beat out myself. so i left him be with the supervision of his platoonmates. i went out took a smoke along the corridor.. at the same time i check on him again. was suprised he wasn't in his bed so i took a closer look and saw him at the dustbin puking the hell out and he was bleeding on his forehead. so i instructed one of the guys to wet a cloth so i could wipe off the blood on his face and sent him back to bed. its quite tasking to be a commander.. whether to be stern or to be caring. but these guys actually look upon me as their older brother than as their commander. however the next day the same guy apologised to me and the rest of the guys had a total changed of look towards me. they were somehow a bit scared of me after witnessing a small portion of my aggressiveness as i've always been nice towards them. but all in all its just a lesson learnt for them. their discipline level just went up a notch. haha.. at least something good was gained from that.
a friend of mine from the same bunk suffer what i suspected to be insomnia. after knowing that he hadn't slept for a week i confirmed my suspicion. he had always been an outgoing sort of guy but suddenly he snapped at everything and was convinced that the whole world was against him. however i had to go off for my course.. the latest update i got was he's recovering quite well.
sorry, i hadn't complete my submission then. here i am 3 weeks later, finishing my course soon. just 4 more days! had 2 weeks plus of hell and torture. the last 3 days overnight in the outfield especially. had to dig alot of trenches (something like a grave), carry a lot of heavy stuff & endure all the insect bites, including scorpions and also encountering alot of huge spiders of different colours! yucks.. that just creep me out.
i'm resting at home now, will be booking back into camp tmr noon. i've suffered alot of sandfly bites on my wrists, necks and face. i'm in utter despair cos the complexion of my face is destroyed. lolz!! it wil heal back in a couple of days. i've also suffered alot of scratches from charging thru all the branches and bushes. but i've very glad that its all over now! it was a good experience. hmmm.. i've met some old friends while i was there in Pasir Laba Camp. it was good seeing them again! haha.. alright then i'm signing out now. will update soon! ciao.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
i'm at home.. cos i just felt too stressful in camp.. not due to work overload but it's actually the other way round. these past 2 days i've been doing nothing other than sleeping & sleeping. until i couldn't sleep anymore. so i've been cleaning up the whole floor, sweeping & tidying up the rubbish. but still i felt bored.. so tonight i just wanna get away from camp.. supposedly due to return to camp by 2359 hours cos it's just a night's off but i guessed i shall be going back later in the morning.. gonna go to MOS later to destress myself. it'll be considered as AWOL but it isn't the first time i did it. ah whatever..
don't understand people, mainly myself.. really ought to meditate & straighten out my thoughts. i need to be at peace with myself instead of always going against it.. it's quite tiring mentally. i don't wish to flare out my tempered everyday in camp.. not good for my karma & relation-wise with people around me. Ommm....
Monday, January 02, 2006
The morning after...
haha.. wanted to blog yesterday.. but didn't feel like it after i logged in.. haha. anyway i didn't really went out for the new year eve celebration cos.. well i overspent my budget for this month & most of my friends were in camp, some were doing guard duties, some went over the causeway, some were too damn lazy & some were dry on cash like me! haha.. the reason why i'm low on cash is cos i had a 1 week leave this week so i basically spent it all on booze, cigarettes.. tonnes of it & other stuffs. so far i've basically watched "The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe" & "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of The Were-Rabbit" & "King Kong". well.. these all "pretty alright" movies i guess.. it seems like a boring 1 week that i had although there were alot of activities for me.. somehow the mood wasn't there. same goes for the new year.. it seems to be missing something special for me.. just can't make out what it is..
2005...
most memorable thing is that i've been enlisted to the army! haha.. i can't believe its not even a year yet! it seems so much longer that i've been in the army.. maybe cos i'd rotten my time out in camp most of the time. haha.. but i believe i'm a changed man. well for instance i'm not afraid of spiders anymore! lolz.. well.. i wouldn't really say totally. but its still a achievement. haha. if i'm not wrong, what made me overcome my fear was.. hmm.. a month ago i was having my UIP & i had to do this section training as a refreshment to the unit. i was just fucked my my RSM (regimental sergeant major) for one mistake that i did & somehow i was pissed by that.. so i called the section to charge into the vegetation & i didn't realise that my path infront was denser than the rest of my section-mates.. but at that time i was "hot" so what the heck.. i charged forward & the next thing i knew, i was covered with some thread-like substance.. i knew that it was spiderweb... eeuuuwwww.. but that's not all.. there was something on my forehead, about the size of a compact disk.. so without thinking i grabbed the thing & i felt it being squished in my hands.. & i was like (EEUUUWWW) X2 & throwing it aside at the same time.. soon after i wiped away all the webbings on my face. as i was doing that i noticed an even bigger spiderweb with a medium-sized arachnid on the center right infront of my path. then i was like whoa..... if i had charged forward about a yard more... haha.. at that moment i was feeling so disgusted & tired that i've totally forgotten about the fucking from my RSM. hahaha.. & that's how the story goes..
2006...
hmm.. thus far i hadn't made much resolution other than getting my printer fix or maybe buying a new one just so i can fulfil my next resolution which is to design another tattoo.. hahaha.. but before that, i'll have to get into shape.. kinda have been neglecting my fitness this whole week. beer belly is starting to form up. lolz!!
for christmas i had wished for santa to give me a better love life but maybe i've been on the naughty list this year thus i didn't get any.. so i'm wishing for the same thing this new year.. haha.. i'm not desperate mind you.. but it would be better to have someone by my side other than friends.. okay-okay.. i guess i'll be logging off now.. downloaded alot of videos due to 5 days of non-stop downloading.. my PC had been working overtime this week & it a record of 5 days straight. so i'm gonna watch all of it now! so ciao!!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Saturday, December 17, 2005
China Black? What happen?!
the wednesday's night i just had to book-out without permission. it's just to let myself loose for a while. i don't wanna die of boredom. eventually i ended up at china black.. it's been a long time since i went there & that night was supposedly a ladies night so i was expecting it to be alot of fun.. but maybe it just wasn't my night.. there were more guys than girls.. and there were aunties too! into their mid 50s i think.. what a turnoff!! i ended up buying alot of drinks to swing the mood back.. luckily the bartender was a friend of my friend.. so there were some discounts.. i managed to stay on till 4 plus in the morning & was just about to feel the kick but then my friends were getting sleepy.. & had to literally pull me away from the crowd.. sigh.. headed straight back to camp around 5 plus & i wasn't walking as straight as i wanted to.. i was a bit tipsy & somehow managed to get pass the camp guard! haha.. i got about an hour of sleep.. nap before i had to report back to my company line for the company turn-up audit. oh man.. i really a serious hangover.. eyes were very puffy & my body was shaking to some music although i was having a "temporary partially deaf symdrome..." hahaha... i must do this often!!
however next week the unit is having this exercise buckspeed- it's an outfield exercise which requires about 4 days. meaning we'll have to camp out & i'll be there as an observer again! sigh.. anyway that's pretty much the end of this post. a certain Jack Daniel's is waiting for me..cold & electrifying! ta-ta! haha